"Adults are just kids with money"
"A good friend will help you bury the body. A best friend will be next to yo, weilding a bat, chaning 'someone's gonna get it, someone's gonna get it!'"
"I often quote myself. It adds creditably to my argument."
--Woody Paige
"Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."
--Elbert Hubbard
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before."
“Be the kind of woman who when her feet hits the floor, the devil says ‘dang, she’s up!”
"I stopped fighting my inner deamons. We're on the same side now."
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.”
-- Reba McEntire
“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t” — Richard Bach
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
--William S. Burroughs
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?” -– Woody Allen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.” –Bob Hope
“Well-behaved women rarely make history”
"A conclusion is the place you got tired of thinking"
"A day without sunshine is like night"
"A world without war: a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers"
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute, then forget the fruit!"
"Everybody needs to believe something. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!"
"Every day I beat my own previous record of how many consecutive days I've been alive"
"If you always take time to smell the roses, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you."
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." --Herm Albright
"A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory."
"Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it's half full. I say, 'Are you gonna drink that?'"
"You can't get anything clean without getting something else dirty!" --Cecil Baxter
"I'm so clever, sometimes I don't understand a single word of what i'm saying."
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough" --M. C. Escher
"There are no personal probelms that cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives"
"I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking."
"Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.""
"There are some situations which cannot be escaped except by acting like a devil or a lunatic."
"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur (anything said in Latin sounds profound)."
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."
"Someday, we'll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subect."
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purly coincidental."
"I had to hit him. He was starting to make sense!"
"Why do you laugh? Change the name ind the story tells of you!"
"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth..."
"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"Right now i'm havin amnesia and de ja vous at the same time --i think i've forgotten this before.."
"I wish i could think of a positive point to leave you with... will you take two negative points?"
"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
"You may be recognized soon. Hide."
"You know my motto: fogive and.. uh.. the other thing"
"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked." --Bernard Meltzer
"I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relationships with the lot of them." --Mark Twain
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." --Benjamin Disraeli
"True friends stab you in the front." --Oscar Wilde
